Unknown

Follow your heart, even if it leads you down roads you thought you'd already traveled

A random caption I saw on Imgur that really resonated with me.

Buat Aku Tersenyum

Huh, would you (and by you, I mean basically nobody because no one I know blogs anymore) look at that. My old blog still exists.

Hello there, old friend. I didn't think I missed you but I think I do.

It's been 10 years since my first post on this blog. That's wild.

Going through my old posts made me feel really grateful to have had such genuinely good & reliable people in my life growing up. I have so many positive memories from my past (excluding college memories in upstate NY though because I had a rough time there haaaaahahaha*cries inside*). Other than some petty shit, my posts were those of a happy and fulfilled teen :)

I believe I have grown/changed a lot in the past 10 years. But on some levels, I also feel like I'm pretty much the same. 

I'm currently at the stage where I'm trying to figure out where next to steer the ship of my life, so I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of feeling too, I guess. I'm a little exhausted, honestly, because I've been doing all this thinking/feeling for 2 years now and I haven't quite settled on anything. Good news is, I've FINALLY figured out a new career path for myself (bye Neuro, I won't really miss you but let's keep in touch). One that I'm actually thoroughly excited about, and I'm proud of myself because I put in so much work to get here. But everything else seems to be up in the air.

Spending 2 and a half months in Malaysia has also got me seeing several things in a new/different light, and got me rethinking.

Things that I was sure about, I'm not so sure anymore. And vice versa.

Classic quarter-life crisis? Perhaps.

These next few years should be interesting.

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This was actually kinda nice. Maybe I should start blogging again. lmao we'll (by we, I mean just me) see.

Blurred lines

Indecisive.

I wish where I'd wanna go for dinner was the only thing I am indecisive about. 

I want it to work. 

But. The stretched out time difference, schedule clashes, ridiculous lifestyle changes - it creates doubt. 

Then, you effortlessly make me laugh, listen to my dumbass drama, integrate me with your friends and yourself with mine, unexpectedly stepping up time after time to be with me. 

This feeling, you, the relationship. It's worth it, I tell myself. 

For a convincing while, I'm certain. 

Then, casually, just like every other day as you've known it, you light one up.

And suddenly, just like that, I'm not so sure anymore.

You light another. 

And here I am. Back to square one.

Do I fight for the relationship with you? Or stand up for the relationship I have with myself? 

I Predict A Riot

In conjunction with the loss (and theft) of my phone + me getting a new phone(soon), maybe I should change my current laptop background.

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Three weeks later, and still, nothing is turning out as expected.

Which is currently playing out pretty well cause I was expecting worse situations.

But tables might turn.

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Less than a month left in Malaysia. 25 days, to be exact.

It's pretty crazy to think that majority of my near future will be spent on the other side of the world - the furthest I can go from everything I'm familiar with.

But I guess that's exactly why I signed up for it. 

I throw myself into the unknown just so it stops becoming unknown - ''expanding my comfort zones''.

Regrets? None.

I just wish that giving up time with my family(including Peanut of course), Nic and Jason wasn't the price I had(and have) to pay.

Sometimes, my head slips into these stupid little ''what if''s thoughts.

What if I stayed?

And I let myself imagine what it'd be like.

Which is nice and convincing for a while. Then I realize it's completely stupid.

poof. The image disappears.

Cause I know if given the chance to restart, I'll make the same choices again.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Well, let's see where this brings me.

Kau Ilhamku

Manbai's 'Kau Ilhamku' has just been stuck in my head for the past week and I don't know why. I'm not even sick of it yet.

Part of me kinda wish I never came back to Malaysia. But I guess that wouldn't solve anything. That'll just be avoiding everything. But. They say that ignorance is bliss?

I wouldn't say life sucks right now. I actually think I'm pretty damn blessed with everything I have. But in a lot of ways, my summer break just hasn't been turning out to be what I expected/wanted it to be. Ugh, this is why I hate having expectations. I'm at my peak and my worst at being a person in my 20 years of living- idk how that works. I was never this good at being a daughter (and sister?) but I've never been this bad at being a friend/girlfriend (I'd hate to think I've been worse). I wish I could blame it all on circumstance, but really, I've got a part to play in this as well. 

But in other mind-distracting news, I've been working with a bunch of 11/12 year old kids, choreographing and teaching them a dance for a flash mob they'll be doing next week. It's hours of practice but these kids can be so damn adorable. I offered to cut down our 4 hour practice tmrw to a 3 hour practice but they all went ''NOOOO!''. Nawh (: I think they laik meh.

I've also got my Cambodia trip with Nic + my week with my Penang friends to look forward to. I'm so excited for both. High time I spend some time doing whatever I waaant. But it sucks to know that a whole other part of summer that I was looking forward to, I can't look forward to anymore. 

Nic says I should just not get into a relationship in the near future. Sounds like a solid plan.

Also. Why do I even blog. 

Anyhoo, I'm ending this post with a unflattering photo of high school me cause I need something to laugh about.

Not sure if I was about to sneeze or is that just my default pay-attention & what-is-science face.

'   izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu.

Locked Out of Heaven

My ankle hasn't fully recovered.

My wrist hasn't either.

Went to a party on Saturday night, someone stole my umbrella.

I lost my college ID while hosting a friend on campus.

A passing car ran over a puddle of water which in turned splashed on me as I was walking on the sidewalk.

Stop throwing lemons, life.

Hello, Goodbye

Some unrelated notes because I think I like to talk about myself to myself. 

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So I am trying to force this ''DO IT NOW'' habit upon myself.

Procrastination has always been my biggest weakness. Chocolate's a very close second.

So this is nothing worth shouting/boasting/blogging about, but yet totally is - I reduced my inbox college email inbox from 500+ mail down to 65. Mmmmhmmm, you can close that jaw right now ;)

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I'm starting to listen to radio stations now instead of my own music just so I am more in touch with news (and bad commercials) and what not. The stations here keep repeating the same music. I've heard Jason Derulo's ''Talk Dirty'' so many times that I'm mad at the Asian girl at the beginning and end of the song - he's been singing for THREE WHOLE MINUTES and you decide to only tell him you don't understand at the END?! But I'm kinda glad that this horrible forever-on-repeat-music-on-radio is international and not just a Malaysian thing.  

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I finally got on the Instagram wagon (@jyennn10). I'm not sure why I succumbed to it after all these years of resisting it. But because I, in my mum's words, ''always go against traffic'' (oh damn, I just realised she might have meant that literally as well), I'm starting a no-selfie and no-meal-photos streak. I'm 6 days and 3 photos in and so far, so good. Let's see if this holds up and how many people will start un-following me and if Instagram starts hating me by giving my photos the option of a DISLIKE button. 

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A shout out to my wife, Morgan, for getting elected into her desired committee and for being so uh-may-zaayyyy-nnng :D Sending all my love to Australia!

Also a shout out to Bryce because I recently went through old stuff on my phone and I found the list of ''things that make me happy''. I've added a few! You should too :) 

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Also. Guess what song is playing right now..

NO, Jason Derulo, I DON'T WANNA TALK DIRTY TO YOU (mostly because I'd rather if he talk dirty to me instead)! And how sure are YOU that MY BOOTY doesn't need explaining?! 

Men. So presumptuous *flips hair*

Joking.

I barely have any hair to flip.