Sink In

Told myself I was gonna sleep an hour ago. Didn't work out too well apparently. I did try though, give me some credit.

My body's dead tired. But my mind is keeping me awake. Been going on for nights now. So I decided, I'm gonna let it out here. and when I wake up tomorrow, I'm gonna take a beeping refreshing bath and smile at the world.

I wouldn't say I'm a wreck. But my emotions been getting slightly messed up. And it just makes me wanna fcking take off and run. (Yes, I gave up on using beeping. Who am I kidding. I used the word today. and the whole of this week too, really. I'll start the fast again tomorrow when I'm smiling at the world cause right now I just wanna hire someone to fart heavy metal music at the world cause I figure it might be too painful to do it myself)

Then I realise. I have got absolutely no where to run to.

Home doesn't even feel the same anymore. My eldest brother is too obsessed with his girlfriend, it makes me roll my eyes. I haven't gotten a problem with the girl, really. She seems nice. But the few times I saw him at home this whole time I've been back, she's there. And what disturbs me most is he's prioritizing her a weebit too much. It got me mad that he's spending way more time with her than my mum, & I know my mum feels it, having to eat alot of dinners by herself, with my other brother in boarding and my dad in China. If i'm not mistaken, she's having my mum's iPad too. I respect the fact that he's happy with his found love, but boundaries man. Don't get me wrong, I still love this fool I call my brother. But if you really wanna go all affectionate on a girl, fine, but don't fcking hurt or put aside ma in the process & bloody hell, don't give away something that's not yours. I know it's unfair, but I'm slowly repelling away from the girl cause psychological shit kicks in & I see her as a cause to all this.
Then I think, maybe I shouldn't have left for Penang. I would've been able to accompany my mum. To let her know that when she gets back tired from work, I'd be home. & it just sucks, knowing that I can't provide her that.
This leads to me wanting to run to my dad, he who I have confided in since I could talk. But I know it's not gonna help when he's already stressed up with work all the way in China.
It's doesn't seem like a big deal, I know. No chairs are being thrown or anything like that. But I guess when something once so familiar and so warm changes, it kinda messes things.

And my bestfriend. Haaaaaaaaaa. She's changed too.
Well, not in anyway that's personal, cause we're still the best of friends.
But it's just the things that she's been up to, are making her into someone I wouldn't really fancy if I was anyone else but her bestfriend.
& I'm struggling trying to find a line between letting her know that I'm not judging her and slapping some sense into that head.
I love her to bits. and I guess that's why I'm pretty disappointed in her. and worried too. It disappoints and worries me that she doesn't seem to have her own stand in things. What she's done doesn't worry me as much as the possibility of the things she might do. Again, we go back to boundaries.

I guess the best I'm hoping for is that this is just a ''college'' phase she's going through, and she'll leave it behind soon.
Till then, I find it slightly difficult to confide in her knowing she hasn't got herself sorted.
Maybe one of these days, I'll try talking to her again. And maybe this time, she'll do more than just nod and agree. Maybe?

and then there's you.
why on earth do I refer to you as you? You don't even ever come here, you never had a reason to anyway, cause I told you everything. But it somehow feels weird referring to you as him.
So yeah, and then there's you.
I know you not being able to talk to me, is a reaction to the things I said, which practically tore all the things you believed in and held on to. And for that, I feel like the most horrible person on Earth. I always knew that the truth feels like fucking knives sometimes, but now I realize, I much prefer to be on the receiving end than to be on the delivering one.
You came across my dream the other night. You smiled. When I woke up, I felt like hell. Knowing that it wouldn't happen in real life, cause I don't make you smile anymore.
The idea of completely losing you is now becoming more real. and it scares me. I fcking miss you. I miss my bestfriend.
But now I don't know when will you even be comfortable to be friends again. And I guess I'd have to respect that.
Well if it really comes to that, I really hope wherever life brings you, you'll end up happy. Cause happiness is the least you deserve.



And now I shall head to bed.
I hope I dream of being a flying superhero again tonight.
Sleeping to dream.

& I'll wake up tomorrow(hopefully in the morning), feeling like a fcking rainbow eating unicorn who robs teeth from under kids' pillows to exchange it for money with the tooth-fairy.
Cause there's gotta be more to life than getting someone to fart heavy metal music at the world.

''Steady hands, just take the wheel.
Steady feet, don't fail me now''