Big Jet Plane

Know what my problem is?

I'm completely passionate but yet absolutely not passionate.

I'm passionate about life and learning everything there is to learn.

But I'm not passionate about any of the things I'm learning like economics or math or language or science.

I don't know what I want to do with my life :/

and I'm at a point where I need to decide what I want to spend my next few years learning.

and I'm just clueless.

Absolutely clueless.

But I think I might end up doing Biology. Hope to find some sort of crossbreed between bio and psychology. Hmm :/

Anyway, was working on my CV in the library and everything was going smooth until I had to write down my personal skills. And I got stuck. I never know what to write when it comes to talking about myself. So Morgan came over and we came up with quite a fine piece of writing, if I may say so myself.

Everything is Sound.

So..

..I just purchased pepper spray online. 

WOOO
Spontaneous. 

But always wanted to get one.

And now I will.

I think it's the IB stress getting to me.

But OH WELL, I'VE GOT PEPPER SPRAY NOW(soon). 

Can't wait to carry it around like a gangstuh.

I feel like Mulan right now.

A Hard Day's Night

What time is not a good time to be blogging? This time, right now.

When I'm sleep deprived. and have got lots of things to do and lots to worry about. Like my SATs this saturday. IOC this Sunday. EE first draft due next week. University applications, haven't even started with that. German written assignment. TOK presentation. and of course, the other bits of homework a student would get. 

Well at least I've got my Math IA and my practice IOC behind me now. Knowing that, I still don't feel much better though. But I think it's mainly cause I'm lacking sleep and I've been on autopilot. Feel like a no-brainer. And, also, I feel really annoyed. At the pile of work I haven't done(and yet look at what I'm doing now), at the deadlines that I need to meet soon, at the fact that I am not doing anything productive right now, at my lack of efficiency when it comes to time, at people, at myself.

And I just want to take a piece of paper, take a pen and scribble really hard on it and jam the pen on the paper making dots and holes and constructing grammatically wrong sentences and then scrunching the paper up into a horrible deformed ball while shouting and then throwing the paper as far as I can and then getting really frustrated at the fact that the distorted ball of paper I just threw with all my might didn't even go really far and I will feel like that's some sort of analogy of my life about how I try and not get results so I go pick the paper up again, flatten it out and fold a paper plane with hopes that it will fly better and further this time and I throw it again but yet this time, it just goes completely off track not even towards the general direction I was throwing at because I can't even remember how to frecking fold paper plans anymore which will then make me feel completely and utterly useless and helpless and I look for a corner to crawl into and cry but I'll soon realise that there isn't even an available corner in my room or the house where I can cry so I'll just lie on bed. 

Longest sentence I've ever written. I had to lock punctuation out of the house for a while. But stop all your panicking, I've invited it back in and it's sitting on the couch right now.

Hah this is ironic.

Due to constant statements by couple of friends on how my blog's been left for spiders to secrete silk from their behinds to form a web, I've been meaning to blog.

In mind, I had two things to blog about.

1. My summer hols (I even have a draft from before school started, might publish it)

2. My birthday celebration (probably will get to that cause I feel the need to address my appreciation to all my amazing friends)

And they were both positive topics too!

But nohp! I somehow ended up talking about paper planes instead. I really need to fold proper ones though. Fcking things.

I think right now, what I need is sleep.

So sleep I shall.

World Spins Madly On

VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVICED. Only read the following if you're aged 1 and below.
Lotsa love to you babies. Unless you're gonna grow up to be one of those annoying pampered ones who cry everytime they don't get something. If you are, I hope you get sent to the army at age 3.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x 

So I was clearing my room and I tumbled onto alot of things that reminded me of us and how we used to be.
Then again, so many other things have been reminding me of us.
and I miss that. Us.
But the thing is, I retrace my steps and I don't know what would I have done differently.

Miss the feeling of comfort every time I spoke to you.
and all the crap you gave me when you made fun of me (:
Really wish it was possible for us to be friends now.
But I know I can't always have it my way. I can't break us up and ask to be friends. That's pretty damn unfair and alot to ask for.

The corniness of the following sentences is gonna be overwhelming.
I guess what I fear the most now is that you've lost hope in love.
That's gonna make me feel ultimately crappy cause love was what you made me believe in in the first place.

I don't regret anything we've done and I still believe that I meant everything I've said throughout the 4 years we were together.
I don't know what goes through your mind when you look back at us.
Some part of me thinks it's along the lines of GAHH and anger and hurt.
But I really hope it's anything but regret.

Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe not.
But when I look back at all the times we had, I'll definitely smile.
Cause I think we had a really good run and I'm so glad to have had you for 4 very important years of my life.
(:

I know you don't read my blog but it somehow gives me some sort of comfort writing out like this.
Well.
Take care of yourself & I really hope you find happiness, Adrian Tan. 

Sleeping with the Light On

I've got so many things to worry about and I really should be working on them, but right now I just can't seem to get myself together and get started. My head's too much of a mess right now. So I'm hoping that typing it out here might be therapeutic and help. Or I'm just finding an excuse to procrastinate. Probably the latter, I'd say.

Exams are finally over. But that relaxed feeling that usually comes with is absolutely no where in sight. and I really don't think it's gonna show itself anytime soon. My biggest worry at hand right now is definitely my biology extended essay. I really don't want to be doing my experiment on plants. As much as I love mother nature and the outdoors, plant science is absolutely a bore. However hard I try, I just can't get myself to be interested in the ways that plants go through light dependent and independent reactions in the thylakoids and the stroma to make molecules of ATP. And I can't be doing my experiment on what I'm most interested in either; genetics. And I would want to do something about the brain and impulses but I can't see how I can without possibly harming little animals. So I now I think I'll experiment about bacteria, which I think might get pretty interesting. But now. Where ON EARTH do I find bacteria such as E.Coli. And I need to be able to inform Mrs. Ghosh by Friday. This is not good ._. Not to mention I've got Chem, Bio, Econs work due on Friday. And I've got my German oral test on that day too. And I haven't got much time to do it as I'm attending RIA tomorrow.

And breathing suddenly gets harder.

You know what I hate?
No, of course you don't. Then again, you might. But chances are, you don't. Unless you know me that well, but I'm afraid you don't.
But I hate the fact that I'm still afraid of the things that I was afraid of as a younger kid.
Like. I still get slightly creeped out when I have to turn off the lights before having to sleep alone. My imagination play the worst games with me sometimes and it really messes with my head.
And I'm also still afraid of butterflies. Yeah, there, I finally said it out loud (not literally, or that'd be pretty weird right now). I really don't know why am I afraid of butterflies. I tried reasoning myself out of it. But nohp, I still run for my life every time the colourful glimpse of that dainty creature comes my way. It's frustrating cause the movements of a butterfly is so impossible. Never know where they want to go. Wish they had bloody signal lights.
Well, at least I'm not afraid of flushing toilets now. I used to be. I hated the loud sound it makes. I would flush the toilet and make a run for the door. That probably made me a runner. There you go, a silver lining.

Oh look, a picture.
Yeah, headed up to Perlis right after my exams for a frisbee tournament last week. Came in 4th, which isn't too bad seeing how we only had 9 players, then our captain had to leave during the quarter finals then almost all of our remaining guys got injured. The players in my team were really good though, made me feel like a worthless pea. But I guess that's how you learn, by being with the better ones. Had tons of fun though, getting to know them. Glad I agreed to play with them and tag along.
And I'm just happy that I now have a new red disc. RED! (:


I get this feeling that I'm growing up way too fast. And I desperately want to cling on to everything I used to know as it slowly slips away. Some things I'm just not ready to let go off.
But something tells me that it's high time I do.
But as of right now, I want to remain completely stubborn and I'll let reality punch my brain sometime soon. Just not right now.

Goofy Goober Rock

So I was doing my Chemistry write up.

I was about to type something along the lines of ''how long does it take for dehydration to complete with dehydrating agents''

but before I got to finish typing my sentence, this recommendation came up instead.

Apparently, people have also googled up how long does it take to grow a condom.

So naturally, I  brushed it off and continued with my work clicked on it.

And haaa, this came up.

What an amazing answer. Whoever Grubs is, I wanna be friends with her/him.
I bet Grubs has all answers to life.

The Second that You Say

Goodbye

 is something I can never get used to saying.

But it's yet again time to say goodbye. I've known them for hardly a year but I grew quite attached to Rowena and Darren. Darren's already left this morning, we had breakfast with him and Rowena's leaving tmrw morning.

Darren Kok Jian (:
I find it funny how we were both in nearby Subang schools, were involved in scouts, had mutual friends, have brothers who are friends, shifted to houses in Shah Alam that are nearby, and yet we've never met until Uplands.

We were never close in the first few months of me being here, other than you teasing me about Louis. But gradually got to know you and got fond of your company. Man, I'm gonna miss all the stupid things you say and do, and how you just can't seem to understand some things. You're such a forgetful character too. Or I wouldn't be having your phone now while you're off in Cambodia.
Thanks for always being there for me, listening to my rants and dilemmas.
Thanks for hardly saying no to me, like agreeing to stay back with me to catch a cab and bringing me up to the water tank. Always pleasant to talk to and a joy to be around (:
I like how you always have a joyous vibe around you that just catches on so easily.
It was great, hanging out with you and the others, be it at the beach, dinner time or boarding main house. Not gonna be the same hanging out with them without you there.
Gonna miss all your childhood stories and how you seem oblivious that the whole bus is listening to your stories. And also your mix of vanity and insecurity.
I'm really gonna miss your random burst of singing the best old songs too (:

Rowena, (Ro)^2 An, Roomie Foo Pei Sze!

Man, we've gone through so much together being roommates. We've shared so much laughter and tears. I know we've definitely had our share of disputes but it never broke us. I'm gonna miss all the times when I come back tired from sports, and there you are being all welcoming and loud in the room. I'm gonna miss all your pretty artsy flowery lacy things and the purple things that come with. I'm gonna miss you singing out of tune. I'm even gonna miss all your complains and rants of life.
And now I look across the room, instead of a messy bed filled with piles of crap, I see neat folded covers. Instead of you sitting at your table being distracted by Cake Boss on youtube, I see an empty chair tucked into a table. I'm not sure how am I supposed to get used to this.

Who on earth am I supposed to come home running to with exciting/stupid/irrelevant news?
Who on earth is going to force me to sleep?
Who is going to reassure me after I've cried my brains out?
Who is going to make fun of my mandarin song singing?
Who is going to sing out of tune as I do my work?
Who is going to dance like an idiot with me in the room?
Who am I going to lecture to study and do work and get off the laptop/tv?
Who am I going to pin down and scare to hell out of with my ''massage offers''?
Who is going to plan all that scary pranks just to get me back for posting on her facebook wall?
Who am I going to quarrel with and yet be assured that we'll still be friends at the end of the day?
Who is going to come with me to starbucks/old town to study? More like get distracted, really.
Who is going to obsessively play doodle find with me?
Who am I going to take stupid nonsensical videos with?
and seriously, who is going to remind me to put on a shirt?
If I ever leave the house half naked. It's all on you.

I don't know how am I to say goodbye to you tomorrow.

I know I'm gonna see you guys again. But just that with you guys gone, boarding just won't be the same.

Goodbye ain't never easy. But with you two, I'm gonna make sure goodbye isn't forever either.

A Lovely Sound

Oh oh. So some time last week in German class, we were asked to come up with a 4line poem about any member of the family.

& mine went something like this (I'm not entirely sure if it's grammatically correct though)

Meine Opa
Er ist lustig und nie langweilig
Er mag tanzen und liebe Rap-Musik
Er hält mich als eine Königinnen
denn er macht meine hausaufgaben.

I was pretty desperate to make it rhyme, and it was difficult to do with my shallow pool of vocabulary. My poem translated to english meant;

My Grandfather

He is funny and never boring
He likes dancing & loves rap music
He makes me feel like a queen
because he does my homework

Yeahh :/
 Not exactly something I'd dedicate to my grandfather.
& no. My grandfather doesn't do my homework.
sigh.

I was Made for Sunny Days

So I found out on Sunday(the one before last), while I was still in KL, that school will be reopening on Monday and not Tuesday.
Not only I had to rush all my unfinished work, I also came to realize I would not have any time to rest.

I know I've always been the type to finish things at the 11th hour (I'd proudly say I've improved on that), but haaa, that was a wee bit too much. That felt like the 59th minute on the 11th hour.

So that's 1 week of term 3, the longest term yet. 13 straight weeks, with Labour Day as the only holiday.

Well, now it's just 12 weeks left. I'm caught in between thinking 12 weeks is too damn long and that 12 weeks is pretty short to complete all the things that I need to.

Anyway, I realise, I doodle on my things a wee bit too much.

My school diary.

The front of my Bio note book.

The inside of my pencil box.

And at the top of every page in my maths book, there are scribbling of song lyrics.

I'm not done with any of those though. Why do I do things like this? Well, I guess it's sort of a stress relief/therapy/favourite past time kind of thing. Though honestly, the Bio book one started out as something to keep me awake during lessons. Pretty effective, I would say. Until I run out of nice lyrics or fonts.

Oh and finally some positive academic news, I got a level 7 in both my Chem and Math tests! Rainbows shooting from my ears! Felt pretty good, like a dog after a bath. But not gonna let that get into my head though cause I know there's tons more for me to revise on and it was just a topic test. But it did feel good anyway, knowing that my work paid off.

So that was a good start. Got my sleeves rolled up. I'm ready to take on the rest of term 3.
And I'm gonna do it while neighing like a platypus. MOO!

Not to mention that Mr. Rachpal is leaving in less than a week :D
Not to say I'm happy or anything..
..but WOOfreakingHOO!

Featherstone

I never get the time to meet all of the people that I sorta promised I'd meet during term breaks :/
IB's kicking my ass right now. But I've been training, and soon enough, bloody hell, I'd kick back.

x x x x x x x x

I think, maybe, everything's gonna be alright afterall.

Thanks for smiling again, means alot (:

and, thanks Bryce for checking up on me. Appreciate it. One thousand views, huh? WOO! :D

Sink In

Told myself I was gonna sleep an hour ago. Didn't work out too well apparently. I did try though, give me some credit.

My body's dead tired. But my mind is keeping me awake. Been going on for nights now. So I decided, I'm gonna let it out here. and when I wake up tomorrow, I'm gonna take a beeping refreshing bath and smile at the world.

I wouldn't say I'm a wreck. But my emotions been getting slightly messed up. And it just makes me wanna fcking take off and run. (Yes, I gave up on using beeping. Who am I kidding. I used the word today. and the whole of this week too, really. I'll start the fast again tomorrow when I'm smiling at the world cause right now I just wanna hire someone to fart heavy metal music at the world cause I figure it might be too painful to do it myself)

Then I realise. I have got absolutely no where to run to.

Home doesn't even feel the same anymore. My eldest brother is too obsessed with his girlfriend, it makes me roll my eyes. I haven't gotten a problem with the girl, really. She seems nice. But the few times I saw him at home this whole time I've been back, she's there. And what disturbs me most is he's prioritizing her a weebit too much. It got me mad that he's spending way more time with her than my mum, & I know my mum feels it, having to eat alot of dinners by herself, with my other brother in boarding and my dad in China. If i'm not mistaken, she's having my mum's iPad too. I respect the fact that he's happy with his found love, but boundaries man. Don't get me wrong, I still love this fool I call my brother. But if you really wanna go all affectionate on a girl, fine, but don't fcking hurt or put aside ma in the process & bloody hell, don't give away something that's not yours. I know it's unfair, but I'm slowly repelling away from the girl cause psychological shit kicks in & I see her as a cause to all this.
Then I think, maybe I shouldn't have left for Penang. I would've been able to accompany my mum. To let her know that when she gets back tired from work, I'd be home. & it just sucks, knowing that I can't provide her that.
This leads to me wanting to run to my dad, he who I have confided in since I could talk. But I know it's not gonna help when he's already stressed up with work all the way in China.
It's doesn't seem like a big deal, I know. No chairs are being thrown or anything like that. But I guess when something once so familiar and so warm changes, it kinda messes things.

And my bestfriend. Haaaaaaaaaa. She's changed too.
Well, not in anyway that's personal, cause we're still the best of friends.
But it's just the things that she's been up to, are making her into someone I wouldn't really fancy if I was anyone else but her bestfriend.
& I'm struggling trying to find a line between letting her know that I'm not judging her and slapping some sense into that head.
I love her to bits. and I guess that's why I'm pretty disappointed in her. and worried too. It disappoints and worries me that she doesn't seem to have her own stand in things. What she's done doesn't worry me as much as the possibility of the things she might do. Again, we go back to boundaries.

I guess the best I'm hoping for is that this is just a ''college'' phase she's going through, and she'll leave it behind soon.
Till then, I find it slightly difficult to confide in her knowing she hasn't got herself sorted.
Maybe one of these days, I'll try talking to her again. And maybe this time, she'll do more than just nod and agree. Maybe?

and then there's you.
why on earth do I refer to you as you? You don't even ever come here, you never had a reason to anyway, cause I told you everything. But it somehow feels weird referring to you as him.
So yeah, and then there's you.
I know you not being able to talk to me, is a reaction to the things I said, which practically tore all the things you believed in and held on to. And for that, I feel like the most horrible person on Earth. I always knew that the truth feels like fucking knives sometimes, but now I realize, I much prefer to be on the receiving end than to be on the delivering one.
You came across my dream the other night. You smiled. When I woke up, I felt like hell. Knowing that it wouldn't happen in real life, cause I don't make you smile anymore.
The idea of completely losing you is now becoming more real. and it scares me. I fcking miss you. I miss my bestfriend.
But now I don't know when will you even be comfortable to be friends again. And I guess I'd have to respect that.
Well if it really comes to that, I really hope wherever life brings you, you'll end up happy. Cause happiness is the least you deserve.



And now I shall head to bed.
I hope I dream of being a flying superhero again tonight.
Sleeping to dream.

& I'll wake up tomorrow(hopefully in the morning), feeling like a fcking rainbow eating unicorn who robs teeth from under kids' pillows to exchange it for money with the tooth-fairy.
Cause there's gotta be more to life than getting someone to fart heavy metal music at the world.

''Steady hands, just take the wheel.
Steady feet, don't fail me now''

Sempurna

:)
Yesterday, was a good day. (Haaaa. not yesterday. This post is wayy overdue)

& I'm just so glad I spontaneously decided on Friday to volunteer in Penang's Charis Food Hunt 2012 in New World Park.

so I started the day by cutting cake. Some housewife training right there.

No way, Janet & Bryce were not acting.

It got really really hot while getting the stations ready, so Morgie & I ran off the the faaaaan.

Then teams starting coming in.

So we have Morgan and Josh here at the the Nose Your Spice station. or I think that's what it was called.

Take a closer look.
This is what determination looks like.

And moving on to Bryce and Han Peng's station; Taste Like?, where they have to guess taste it and guess the ingredients.

    

Now step into Janet's and my station, where participants have to finish skinning a cucumber under a minute. Janet and I had trouble deciding the marks to give though. Hard to decide whether their they skinned it too much. Or was there too much skin left.
But I'd say we were pretty generous (:

Yeah. I gave it a go. It took me  like 1 minute. and a few more. like 9 more.

and the other 2 stations that we weren't in charge of was where they had to cube carrots & fry an egg to a doughnut shape.

how the egg is suppose to look like. I would've failed big time if I tried.

got pretty crowded on stage.

Okay. Look at Josh's facial expression change..

...once I enter the camera frame

. 

So once our job was done, we decided to not waste the cucumbers !
and did the following. Though I think Janet did most of it.
Now we all know what she does at home.

Holding hands.

Good day! (: