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Indecisive.

I wish where I'd wanna go for dinner was the only thing I am indecisive about. 

I want it to work. 

But. The stretched out time difference, schedule clashes, ridiculous lifestyle changes - it creates doubt. 

Then, you effortlessly make me laugh, listen to my dumbass drama, integrate me with your friends and yourself with mine, unexpectedly stepping up time after time to be with me. 

This feeling, you, the relationship. It's worth it, I tell myself. 

For a convincing while, I'm certain. 

Then, casually, just like every other day as you've known it, you light one up.

And suddenly, just like that, I'm not so sure anymore.

You light another. 

And here I am. Back to square one.

Do I fight for the relationship with you? Or stand up for the relationship I have with myself? 

I Predict A Riot

In conjunction with the loss (and theft) of my phone + me getting a new phone(soon), maybe I should change my current laptop background.

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Three weeks later, and still, nothing is turning out as expected.

Which is currently playing out pretty well cause I was expecting worse situations.

But tables might turn.

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Less than a month left in Malaysia. 25 days, to be exact.

It's pretty crazy to think that majority of my near future will be spent on the other side of the world - the furthest I can go from everything I'm familiar with.

But I guess that's exactly why I signed up for it. 

I throw myself into the unknown just so it stops becoming unknown - ''expanding my comfort zones''.

Regrets? None.

I just wish that giving up time with my family(including Peanut of course), Nic and Jason wasn't the price I had(and have) to pay.

Sometimes, my head slips into these stupid little ''what if''s thoughts.

What if I stayed?

And I let myself imagine what it'd be like.

Which is nice and convincing for a while. Then I realize it's completely stupid.

poof. The image disappears.

Cause I know if given the chance to restart, I'll make the same choices again.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Well, let's see where this brings me.

Kau Ilhamku

Manbai's 'Kau Ilhamku' has just been stuck in my head for the past week and I don't know why. I'm not even sick of it yet.

Part of me kinda wish I never came back to Malaysia. But I guess that wouldn't solve anything. That'll just be avoiding everything. But. They say that ignorance is bliss?

I wouldn't say life sucks right now. I actually think I'm pretty damn blessed with everything I have. But in a lot of ways, my summer break just hasn't been turning out to be what I expected/wanted it to be. Ugh, this is why I hate having expectations. I'm at my peak and my worst at being a person in my 20 years of living- idk how that works. I was never this good at being a daughter (and sister?) but I've never been this bad at being a friend/girlfriend (I'd hate to think I've been worse). I wish I could blame it all on circumstance, but really, I've got a part to play in this as well. 

But in other mind-distracting news, I've been working with a bunch of 11/12 year old kids, choreographing and teaching them a dance for a flash mob they'll be doing next week. It's hours of practice but these kids can be so damn adorable. I offered to cut down our 4 hour practice tmrw to a 3 hour practice but they all went ''NOOOO!''. Nawh (: I think they laik meh.

I've also got my Cambodia trip with Nic + my week with my Penang friends to look forward to. I'm so excited for both. High time I spend some time doing whatever I waaant. But it sucks to know that a whole other part of summer that I was looking forward to, I can't look forward to anymore. 

Nic says I should just not get into a relationship in the near future. Sounds like a solid plan.

Also. Why do I even blog. 

Anyhoo, I'm ending this post with a unflattering photo of high school me cause I need something to laugh about.

Not sure if I was about to sneeze or is that just my default pay-attention & what-is-science face.

'   izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu.

Locked Out of Heaven

My ankle hasn't fully recovered.

My wrist hasn't either.

Went to a party on Saturday night, someone stole my umbrella.

I lost my college ID while hosting a friend on campus.

A passing car ran over a puddle of water which in turned splashed on me as I was walking on the sidewalk.

Stop throwing lemons, life.

Hello, Goodbye

Some unrelated notes because I think I like to talk about myself to myself. 

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So I am trying to force this ''DO IT NOW'' habit upon myself.

Procrastination has always been my biggest weakness. Chocolate's a very close second.

So this is nothing worth shouting/boasting/blogging about, but yet totally is - I reduced my inbox college email inbox from 500+ mail down to 65. Mmmmhmmm, you can close that jaw right now ;)

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I'm starting to listen to radio stations now instead of my own music just so I am more in touch with news (and bad commercials) and what not. The stations here keep repeating the same music. I've heard Jason Derulo's ''Talk Dirty'' so many times that I'm mad at the Asian girl at the beginning and end of the song - he's been singing for THREE WHOLE MINUTES and you decide to only tell him you don't understand at the END?! But I'm kinda glad that this horrible forever-on-repeat-music-on-radio is international and not just a Malaysian thing.  

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I finally got on the Instagram wagon (@jyennn10). I'm not sure why I succumbed to it after all these years of resisting it. But because I, in my mum's words, ''always go against traffic'' (oh damn, I just realised she might have meant that literally as well), I'm starting a no-selfie and no-meal-photos streak. I'm 6 days and 3 photos in and so far, so good. Let's see if this holds up and how many people will start un-following me and if Instagram starts hating me by giving my photos the option of a DISLIKE button. 

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A shout out to my wife, Morgan, for getting elected into her desired committee and for being so uh-may-zaayyyy-nnng :D Sending all my love to Australia!

Also a shout out to Bryce because I recently went through old stuff on my phone and I found the list of ''things that make me happy''. I've added a few! You should too :) 

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Also. Guess what song is playing right now..

NO, Jason Derulo, I DON'T WANNA TALK DIRTY TO YOU (mostly because I'd rather if he talk dirty to me instead)! And how sure are YOU that MY BOOTY doesn't need explaining?! 

Men. So presumptuous *flips hair*

Joking.

I barely have any hair to flip.

I was Made for Sunny Days

So the snow has allowed me to build two snowmen this winter season. I present you my (joined effort with my friends of course) masterpieces.

Yeah, they actually kind look a lil creepy don't they.. 

I built these two snowmen with 2 different group of friends but I'm not quite sure why both groups insisted on the snowmen having boobs. I insisted on the snowmen having butts, which unfortunately possess no traces of visual proof :( I built fantastic glorious snowbutts, if I may say so.

But it's finally spring now! As much ''fun''(barely any) as I had, I'm glad winter is over and the snow is melting.

I certainly don't miss having to walk through this

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So 2 weeks of spring break has passed.

I spent the first week in Manistique, Michigan with Habitat for Humanity, which for a while, felt like a silly move cause people usually head to warmer places for spring break and I headed north instead.

But definitely no regrets.

The other students who came on the trip were fantastic people to be spending those 7 days with.

We visited an ice cave which I thought was reallyy cool.

But we also narrowly escaped injury cause this LARGE ice piece (see the missing gap in the middle?) just came CRASHING down and everyone were only a few feet away. 

We left the place immediately.

But what was hilarious was that my friend, Min, was right about to take a picture of me and when she finally counted to ''3'' was also the exact moment the ice fell. And she clicked.

Did she take a photo of the falling ice? No.

But she captured my facial reaction the moment it happened.

This photo became the group's go to photo for laughter. And here it is.

No shame.

Then, I spent 4 days of my second week in Orlando, Florida.

Visited an old school friend, Taoufik, back from the IB days.

And as much as I appreciated his hospitality, I must've forgotten how much of a kid this guy is because at the end of it, I was just mentally exhausted from using up all my tolerance. 

But it was still nice, seeing him again after 2 years. 

We spent the last night at his friend's place in Tampa which turned into a small party - I only finally ''slept'' at 8 in the morning & I had a flight at 11.30am, which I thankfully didn't miss.

Everyone I met that night were soo friendly and they were all international kids - Kazakhstan, Russia, Africa, Nigeria, Morocco, India.

Now school's kicked off to what I expect to be my busiest half-semester yet.

I'mma try be on top of my sh*t but guess we'll see how things turn out. 

I miss the heat. 

The Situation

I need to stop this sinking ship.

Start

Another snowstorm today. 

Nice.

Nasty.

(though actually she's really nice)

Very nice. Professor Schneider (my German prof) provided us with German breakfast on Monday.

Oh man I love this class (though I overslept this morning and missed it)

Feel Again

Finally, I had a really good week (:

General Chem, German, Squash, Film and Psychology - I'm really enjoying all my classes so far this semester.

Also, here's a snippet of a conversation between my friends over dinner that I'll slip in here so it's eternalised.

''Let me finish my story!''

''Is it a sex story?''

''..no''

''then you don't get to finish it''

To end this on a good vibe, here's my current feel good song.

Heyyy we're gonna have a good day.

Let It Snow

Heaviest snowfall so far. See how buried that bench is?

I'm still deciding how I feel about snow.

Was talking to my classmate, Ben, this morning about it. I think his optimism about this whole ''snow is great'' is rubbing off me a little. Just a tiny wee bit though. Cause my first instinct when I see that it's start snowing is to hiss at the clouds and curse at the world a little.

It's not even 10am and I'm already thinking ''well, that's a wrap! Let's go to bed''

Woke up at 7am to have breakfast (having breakfast by myself before my 8am German class has become one of my favourite things, I don't understand why cause I used to hate being alone. But I think some alone time early in the morning is rather refreshing.)

But I also lost my V-card this morning. I bet it's buried in the snow somewhere, never to be seen until I get a new card and don't need it anymore. That, is my luck.

Went to German class all prepared for our quiz.

But instead spent the first 20 minutes with the rest of the class trying to get our professor's car un-stuck. That was actually pretty fun. Somewhat a bonding experience, especially for me, cause I'm the only new kid in this class. 

And then the professor drove home.

And Chem class is also cancelled. 

WOOOOO.

Yeah, I'm not leaving my room for the rest of the day.

Until rugby practice I guess. Mehh.

On a side note, DJ Earworm's United State of Pop 2013 is out ! :D
Well it's been out for a while now.. but I only just found out.

Dawn

Hello, February.

Sorry to be blunt.

I know you just got here but I kinda already want you to go.

But maybe you can stay awhile. 28 days doesn't sound that bad.

Just, be nice to me.

Please?

Ring a Ling

Mmm yes, look at me, blogging two days in a row. Overachiever.

I'm a big fan of lists cause it keeps my thoughts organized. So here's a list of things that are ''new'' with me ever since coming here to Vassar.

i) I play rugby now. Contact rugby, that is, not touch rugby.

I wish I had action shots. but NOHP. All I have is a selfie.  Jue Wern was right.. my cheekbones do look like boobs.

Yeah, it's not exactly the gentlest sport out there.

We're currently off season and cause of the horribly unfriendly weather, we now have 3 gym sessions and 3 rugby practices per week. I'mma get so ripped! Kidding. I can think of at least 5 people back home who wouldn't let that happen.

I absolutely love the girls on the team though.

ii) I'm used to being on the can/showering when a male is in the same toilet(same toilet, not same cubicle). Why? Most of the toilets on campus are gender neutral. 

But what if you need to pooooop, Jyen?

Well, I don't know if other girls try to find a time when the toilet is empty, but for me, when I need to poop, I need to poop. I am only human.

iii) I'm in a hiphop dance crew on campus. HYPE

Some girls on the crew are soooo amazing. Sometimes instead of practicing in the studio, I just wanna watch them and clap my hands.

iv) The side of head is shaaaaved.

It's something that I've always wanted to do ever since graduating from SMK USJ 8. 

But my mum's always been like, not under my roof.

Was she mad when I finally did it?

No, not really. She's cool like that.

She's just been calling me ''botak'' alot. Meh.

v) I'm seeing someone now.

Funny thing is I've known him for years and I never saw this coming. 

Well I don't think anyone did, cause everyone I know who knows are still trying to get used to it.

I guess to be honest, I'm trying to get used to it myself.

Been a while since I got involved like this.

And long distance (especially this amount of fcking distance) sucks.

It's not the easiest thing to try work out.

But he makes me happy (: 

My boy, he ain't the one that I saw coming

And some have said his heart's too hot to hold

And it takes a little time

But you should see him when he shines

Cause you never wanna let that feeling go

As The World Turns

Wow, that  ''Think I'll try do this every weekend'' in my last post was apparently a really big lie.

My bad, I was really really really busy last semester. And I spent my winter break back in Malaysia just being completely unproductive. Which was pretty damn glorious.

I probably have better things to do right now. Like the huge amount of homework I have to do because I have been missing classes. I'm apparently really sick. The doctors won't let me attend class or do any sports :/

Spent the whole day at the campus clinic yesterday. Was only discharged after 6 horrible long hours. And I still have to report back to them every morning till I'm better.

So I'm into my second semester in Vassar College now.

Have I adapted to life here? I'd like to think so.

Being the only Malaysian in my year, my first month here was definitely not easy. I'm not sure if I even really enjoyed my first month here. Yeah, there are other international kids here - not many though. But these kids tend to stick to people from their own country, especially during the first few weeks. It felt kinda lonely, not having anyone who is able to relate to my background in any way whatsoever.

Many people have asked me, why Vassar college?

Even my parents questioned my decision of wanting to pick Vassar, as they've never heard of the school. Though again, how would they know any liberal arts college anyway?

So, why Vassar?

Well, the first reason being that it's a liberal arts college. Which means I'd be given the chance to explore other areas of interest academically while still (possibly) pursuing a Science degree.

Secondly, it's a rather prestigious school with an acceptance rate of 23%. So I know being here will make me push myself academically. 

Thirdly, it has a relatively small Asian community. By Asian, I mean people from Asian countries, and not American Asians. And the reason why this is a ''plus point'' for me is that I figured being a minority would really put me out of my comfort zone and that would then push me to expand my comfort zone. I have nothing against a large Asian community of course, but why would I travel halfway across the world just to feel at home?
Fourthly, I f*ckn love the location of the school. It's at some suburban area of New York. It's not IN the city, which is great cause the city's crazy but I have easy access to it (one and a half hour away by train/car). The campus is also really beautiful. 

Okay I can go on and on but I guess in a nutshell, I knew by coming here, I'm signing up for an experience that no one else can tell me about. Isn't that what life is all about anyway, experiences that make develops an individual as a person.

So here are some observations I've made:

• The typical response to anything being said is ''OMG, that's so funny/hilarious''. Even though if we're being completely honest here, it really wasn't actually funny at all. Example sentences that would trigger a ''that is sooo fuh-nehhh'' would be:''I forgot to brush my teeth this morning''''I saw two squirrels chasing each other while walking to class''''Oh wow, I thought that green bottle was actually blue''
• They take ''bless you''s really seriously here after a sneeze. If you sneeze in class, the whole class suddenly turns religious - even the person at the opposite corner of the room would murmur a ''bless you''. 
• People don't use rulers here. I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it does. Why don't they want to draw straight lines? :(
• People here say ''OMG'' waaaaaaaay too much.
• People in my college generally don't give two fcks about fashion, and nobody judges. Which is pretty damn great. Ain't nobody got time for that!

There's a whole other side about my college and the social scene here. But I'mma save that for another post. Hahh. That's gonna be an interesting one.

Now, where did I put my medication?